If You Like It Then You Shoulda Put Deez Balls, Deez Nutz On It

I've been away for a minute but I'm back now chill, homie! It was recently my baby Keyshia's birthday and we went to Mr. Chow...

Mr. Chow...

Mr. Chow...

WHAT THE HIZZELL!?!?

I got some KFC coupons just sittin' on my coffee table waitin' to be used. But it's whatever cos it was my babys day. Who am I to argue?

For the starter I got some Crispy Noodle Prawns. It was nice but while I was eating it I couldn't help but think that I was eating Tina Knowles' face; large, crispy and yellow.

For my main I had Golden Chicken (I loves me some chicken. One time Neffie tried to steal a wing out of my bucket and I almost finished her but I did a T.I. and remembered that I was on probation. I loves me some chicken!) I think the whole Mr. Chow experience is about guessing what celebrity your food is supposed to reminiscent of. Keyshia said my golden chicken was Lil' Kim (disrespectful! I taught you better than that!) But I think it was Jermaine Jackson.

I didn't have no damn dessert! I'm trying to slim down so I can find me a man. If there are any offers drop dem in da comment box (I cant hold da soffisticayted typin for dat long I'm sorry).

Stand Up To Irrelevence!

I'm still upset that my baby only got 13 words (look at her, she's THAT CHICK). But HEY! That's 12 more than Ciara.

However, there are more important issues at hand here (get it together). Can somebody PU-LEESE tell me who that is? The face just does not trigger a memory in my brain. Not a siiiiiingle one. I did ask Keyshia who it was but she said she didn't know and that's why she was giving the "And Who The Fuck Is You?" side-eye.

Call Columbo cause I just don't know...

And send this to Fresh. She is the is the Side-Eye queen!

I also have some swagger jacking to report...

I aint even gonna say NUTHIN! Just know that I keep a razor blade under my wrist watch at ALL times...

On a serious note... Make sure you cop that charity single. U dont have to listen to it. Just buy it. At least once. If you can cop Sol-Devil and the Singing Ability Hallucinations then Lawd knows you can buy this. With Mariahs dog whistling and all.

Frankie: The Sightings Of Me

Are you wondering where I've been?

WHY NOT!?!?!

Anyway I been getting my Kim Kar-hoe-ian on and partying like it's 27BC.

I don't know who that other chick is but I know she was on me all night like flies on shit! I bet Sandra sent her. It was about to be a Man Down situation.

Aint orange a good colour on me?

Ms. Kelly: Diva Who F*cked Up Edition

Hello my people. Now I know I said I would have Kelly Rowland as my guest blogger on Friday but no. Unfortunately Kelly does not know how to type have access to the Wig Crypt com-pew-tah. So I had to switch it up like the bad bish I am. I decided that the guest blogger spot will be no more! Instead I will be interviewing all my favourite people when I can be bothered. That's right! Frankie is getting her Wendy Williams on! HOLLLAAA!

The Interview

I pull up in my Land Rover Truck, looking, smelling, feeling like a million bucks. But I feel out of place. From my surroundings I know this interview isn't gonna be as normal as I had first expected. But I would rather be here than at the WC.

I drive up to the drive-thru kiosk.

Kelly: Can I take your order please?
Me: Hey Kelly!
Kelly: Oh, Frankie! How you doin?

At this point Kelly looks over her shoulder in fear. I presume this fear is of her manager.

Me: I'm good. How are you?
Kelly: I'm alright. Just a lil bit tired. Working 4 jobs is hard. Mya didn't tell me how stressfull it would be.

Me: Wateva. You ready for your interview?
Kelly: Yes ma'am

This trick got some nerve. I was bout to turn Tyra on her azz but I didn't. Luckily.

Me: Do not cal me ma'am
Kelly: But Mama Tina always sa-
Me: Bish I am not Mama Tina
Kelly: Yes'm *gulp*

Me: So Kelly, your last album, The Declaration didn't do so well in the charts did it? Why do you think that is?
Kelly: MS. KELLY! My album is called Ms Kelly
Me: Ms. Kelly, The Declaration same damn thang. Take what you're given and and answer the damn question
Kelly: Um... It did do well
Me: Tell that to Billboard
Kelly: Billboard doesn't return my calls

(silence)

Me: Are you still making music? I heard you're coming out with a travel documentary
Kelly: I'm not making music at the moment. I've found my calling. I was born to present TV shows that nobody will watch
Me: Oh really?
Kelly: Yes really. I auditioned for 106 and Park but they said no
Me: Why was that?
Kelly: They said I was more suited to Take the Cake. Whatever that is

At this point Kellys manager appears from behind the burger frier. His name tag says Robert K.

Robert: Kelly! Getcho ass back to work! You ain't gettin' paid to tawk to... (he sees me) pretty young thangs such as this girl
Me: Take that shit somewhere else. I got a bottle of mace, a spoon and a spare set of dentures ready to bite yo' dirty black behind!
Robert: You prolly to old for me anyway. Kelly I 'ont wanna have to tell you again
Kelly: I'll get back to work straight away Matt- I mean Robert
Robert: You mean Mr. K. And I'd like you to leave please. Nobody over the age of sixteen apart from Kelly is allowed on the premises.

I wasn't in the mood to get into a fight with that fool so I put the pedal to metal and left.

I need to step my interview game up if I want my own tell-ee-vi-junn show. Wendy I See You

Discipline For Dummies

Okay so today I was surfing the interweb and I came across a video over at my hang-out spot Crunk + Disorderly of some chillen doing some stupid shit

Now, I understand teaching yo' kids to dance (you saw Keyshia at the BET Awards right?)

but this just takes the Kentucky Fried Chicken $0.99 biscuit.

10-year-olds dropping it like it's hot? No thank-you. I done seen some shit in my time but this is not on.

So I took it upon myself to write my second book (you can still buy my first book at all respectable street corners and car trunks) called "Discipline for Dummies"




To give you an idea of what this book contains I will post a chapter here exclusively on Frankie And Friends.

Chapter 8: How To Give A Beating That Your Child Will Remember On Their Deathbed

Every now and then your child will do something to piss you off. It could be that they left the door open when leaving for school, they could have eaten the last spicy chicken wing or it could even be that they took it upon themselves to smoke the last pack of weed. When this kind of situation arises you have to ask yourself "What Would Frankie Do".

"And what is the answer to that question?" I hear you ask.

I'd put that child to sleep... with a beat.

That is simply all you have to do. Beat that child. The authorities may call it "Child Abuse" (whateva that is) but I call it "Lessons of Life". You have to teach 'em early or you gon' have them running around stealing yo' shit, thinking they a pimp and whatnot.

So to help you first-time-beaters, here are a few tips and tricks on how to execute the perfect beating.

1. If you can break the instrument you choose to discipline your child with, that means it's not hard enough and WILL NOT HURT so therefore it will NOT BE BENEFICIAL TO YOUR CHILDS LESSONS OF LIFE. This will just not do! Try this (make sure it has metal studs for that extra friction!) or even this (a Bible across the back o' the head is ALWAYS healthy) to teach your child a good ol' lesson.

2. Make sure the marks from the Lessons of Life are in places that schoolteachers or social workers can't see them. I suggest the back of the shoulders or the top of the arm. Don't nobody want the authorities all up in their business.

3. Always keep a sock at hand so you can stuff it in your childs mouth if it dares to scream, Don't worry! If it can remember to misbehave it will remember to breathe through its nose.

4. Never feel sorry for that lil scoudrel. Of course they gon' try and...

Thats it. If I gave you anymore you would have to pay.

Yours Sincerely

Frankie F. Baby

P.S. Kelly will be posting on Friday. She rang me and said she's on 6-month probation at Wendy's so she has to focus on work.

Frankies Blog's Got Talent

As some of y'all may have re-ul-eyesed, this blog is called Fake Frankie And Friends so today I thought to do something about the absence of friends that are guest-blogging on this here web site.

I asked Keyshia.

Me: Keyshia baby, I want you to guest-blog on my site.
Keyshia: Momma no.
Me: Don't tell me no, Keyshia!
Keyshia: I got other responsibi-
Me: Girl, please!! What responsibilities you got? You still chasin' after that Young Jeezy? Don't never bring that man to my house!! I don't want his weed lips drankin from the same cups that I do!! Yaknow what Keyshia, it's whateva. Go do what you do wit' yo' boring ass.

I would have asked Neffie she was nowhere to be found

So I had to think. Who has no responsibilities? Who is willing to work for peanuts? Who is unemployed and desparately seeking acceptance?

Then it hit me like Jay-Z's camel hoof.

Ladies, gentlemen and Lil Mama say hello to my first guest blogger!!

Expect a post from my new guest-blogger within the next week next two years (you know how the Knowles Klan likes to mess with release dates and ish. My Keyshia would never take that shit even if it was from that sexy piece o' chocolate covered strawberry that is Matthew).

Frankie C. up In This Hoe!

What?! Y'all didn't think Mama Cole could use a computer?! Well you wrong, baby!? YEA THAT'S RIGHT. Frankie C's alter-ego is here and Imma bout to make shit jump so y'all might aswell get used to deez ballz deez nutz.

And I've asked some of my friends' (<----you didn't think Frankie had friends could punctuate didya?) alter-egos from Hollywooooooooood (HOLLAAAAAA!!!!) to come visit me from time to time so stay tuned cos there's gonna some shit going down. It's gonna be off the chain super, super-fly like real BIG. So stay tuned.

Signed Sincerely,

Mama Cole


P.S. Dis' Fake Janice Combs heffa been chattin' shit about me on her blog all calling me a Mushmouth. BISH YOU AINT GOT SHIT ON FRANKIE C!!!! YO HAIR IS SHIT!!! YO SON'S CAREER IS SHIT!!! AND YOU CAN'T DROP IT HOTTER THAN THE SUN LIKE I CAN!!!

I'm only gon' tell you dis once heffa!!! Stop chattin shit bout me!!! I got family baby!!! All I gotta do click my fingers and Neffie comes stilleto-in-hand and ready to kill yo' ass.

You need to rethink who YOU call MUSHMOUTH, MUSHMOUTH!!!!

I thought we could be friends but after this naaaaaaw!!! I don't need you, trick!!!!!

Keep tawkin trash Janice...

Let me stop 'fo I cancel dis' bitch...